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No judgement for those of you that this just happened to, it is devastating. I can say that I was happily divorced 22 years ago because all that I wanted was for my wife of twelve years to be happy. When she told me she fell in love with one of my friends and wanted a divorce I did not even get angry and agreed right away.

The next day my friend came to ask me if I really agreed to the divorce. My answer was yes and they both got my good wishes. And to this day, both of them are still my friends. After the divorce, I moved away to another city and got married again. Over the years my ex and her husband came to visit us several times and my wife and I went to visit them also.

I can clearly see that my ex and her husband have been happy together. By the way, my present wife is not a jealous type and neither am I.

I think this is one of the examples that an affair relationship could turn out to be happily ever after. My husband cheated on me after 30 years of marriage. We had known each other since our teenage years and eventually got married. We had kids right away and almost immediately he showed who he really was. He was an alcoholic, immature, insecure and jealous.

I was very disappointed and unhappy but chose to stay for the sake of my three sons. I gained weight and found comfort on being a mother a provider and taking care of everything at home. I was the strong responsible one and my husband found it convenient to just use me all these years.

We never went anywhere and it got to the point that I did not care anymore. I asked him on several occasions to go with me to counseling but he never wanted to. I resented him for his drinking. He was a good father to our kids when they were little but when they became teenagers he became distant like he did not know how to handle them. Back in he was transferred about 2 hours from our house and the commute was too hard for him.

He did it for a couple of years and eventually found a room to be there during the week and came home on the weekends. In he started working with this woman that was divorced and 2 years older than him. They traveled a lot together and share a lot of interests. Soon he started coming home late on Fridays and leaving on the weekends. Ten months into the affair I found out and confronted him. He was such a coward that denied it and so I started digging for evidence and confronted him again.

This time he did not deny but did not want to leave either. After this he became a monster that did not hide his relationship with this woman and continued to stay in the house to hurt me with his attitude. He has never confessed to his sons and I had to tell them myself. For the past two years he has changed so much, he does not even talk to his sons, he is rude to me and is only in the house because he does not have enough money to move in with that woman. He has tried a couple of times to leave her but he is weak and always gives in.

She is so obsessed with him that when he is not with her she calls him and texts him constantly. One weekend I counted over texts she sent him until he left to go see her. He tells me that he knows he will never be happy but this is stronger than him. As for the woman, from what I can gather she is very selfish and needy and likes all the attention she gets from my husband. She likes the good life and is showing my husband a life of fun and lust that he did not know.

So many times he ends up with no money in the bank and could not possibly keep up a life with her. He has based this relationship in lies and has hurt not just me but my sons, my family and his family in the process. He claims he was unhappy because I was cold, our sex life was boring and I got fat. This was very hurtful when I think of all the years I supported him. I helped him get a career I worked very hard so he could go back to school and did not have to labor all his life.

Ironically, now that he graduated another woman enjoys that. He has been wonderful with her because she makes him happy with great sex and fun trips. I was unhappy too but did not chose to cheat I told him on several occasions all he needed to do was to man up and leave but of course he is looking for his convenience and not the well being of my boys and I.

My sons are grown men, but two of them live with me and are willing to help me so we can kick him out of the house. They have a life of their own and should not be responsible for me. However they are willing and I will accept it for a short period of time so I can get my feet back on the ground. Since the affair I lost 45 lbs. Paid off four credit cards, keeping in shape, going out with my friends and forgetting that man even exists.

He still needs my help but my son told him to leave since neither I nor them can live in a house with somebody with no morals and values. If he chooses to be with that woman then he can leave and face the consequences of his actions.

He has not come back and I hope to never see him again. I am now convinced my husband never loved me and cheated on me on several other occasions he just never had a woman as pushy as this one. This woman is in for a rude awakening, one day my husband will realize he lost the best thing he ever had, a woman that loved him and three wonderful sons.

It is a matter of time before he sees himself in the mirror and feels sick and disgusting and I know that he will take his frustrations out on her. As for me I am the blessed one that still have a chance for happiness with a real man and not a coward like my husband. All I know is what goes around comes around and karma exists. To suggest that the old relationship was this or that and so not healthy is a cop out. Anyone who wants to betray their commitment can just tell themselves anything they wish to justify their insidious betrayal.

Affair marriages are wrong, period. Most of them end up extremely unhappy after the participants caused so much pain to others at the start — only to now be in a dead marriage where they act happy while they are, in reality, miserable — again, after having engaged in heartless, selfish betrayal of the former partner.

Oh dear this sounds very complicated. As an outsider reading this tangled tale of two sets of lovers intertwined…,. Aside from the nightmare of finances etc. Seems like your lover is still emotionally connected to the both of you. And yes, we can love more than one person at a time. If you are not happy with sharing him with his ex, and it appears they are quite well connected in ways not just geographical then you need to cut him loose.

If doing this is too painful for you then you really have no option but to turn a blind eye to their ongoing connection. He is having two wives, in effect. I am currently in a situation where I have two husbands. Love them both dearly but in different ways. Due to the emotional toll it is taking on me I am now choosing which husband is the best fit all round. I believe men can compartmentalise their lives easier than women, thus your lover thinks he can still have both of you in his life.

An unenviable position I think. My BF and I were high school sweethearts. We both were married when we reconnected 5 years ago. He was unhappy and so was I, both left our marriages of 22 years, though he continued to co-habitate with his ex for 3 years due to financial reasons, not ready to sell their house and wanting to avoid court.

During this time, his wife contacted my ex-husband still to this day, none of us are divorced , and the two of them began a 4-year full on affair as a result of our actions.

During this time, his wife still cried and maintained that she loved my lover her husband. Which I told her she was crazy and none of this was true; it was wishful thinking on her part and she read more into what her husband was saying, hearing only what she wanted to hear. Over the next few months I put my foot down, told him it was her or me. Finally on year 4, he moved out of their house for 15 months and got his own apartment.

Due to financial commitments he must wait until the house has sold in order for us to get a place together. I have attended his family reunions, holidays with his parents and brothers, and am considered now part of his family. It is understood that he is separated and that his marriage was over long ago. Fast forward to 5 years — after 15 months, he has moved back into the house he shares with his wife.

He states that they share different rooms and it is strictly a roommate situation… she has no job and nowhere else to go. She has since cut off all contact with my ex, he calls me to discuss this often, as he cannot understand how she cut him off so coldly, will no longer speak to him for the past 5 months.

He really loves her. I feel sorry for him. I still continue to see my lover, we are planning a future together. I understand his living arrangements but am wondering how much longer this will last.

My ex called me about a month ago and told me his friend witnessed them together at a beach. This friend also knows her. The friend said they were camping together, headed down the coast. When is she going to get a life and move on? I think this woman has done enough damage to all of our lives. He is still paying for her everything! Can you give me any advice on this crazy situation? Oh my, such interesting reading!

Yes, an affair is sinful, but one who has not been in this position of temptation should be slow in their judgment. Allow God to do his judgment and the rest of us look into our own souls and remember we all are sinners, so those without sin, pick up the stone…. You must be so torn. It sounds to me you would benefit from some time on your own, away from both men. Perhaps tell your boyfriend you need some space.

Move out and live on your own or with friends to give clarity to the situation. The new man in your life may get spooked by such a move as it may make him realize you mean business. Your new man sounds like his life is in a state of upheaval, but if the two of you are truly meant to be together, love will find a way. You will have to eventually be honest with both your boyfriend and new man as to how you feel about them.

You will need to choose. I am back with my ex boyfriend about a year now. We dated previously for about 5 years on and off, he could never fully commit, but the ultimate fail was loosing a baby with him, we separated after the miscarriage and 3 yrs later we found each other again and started dating. Again it was kind of shaky, me always living the past remembering our difficult 5 years previously together, starting a new stressful job, etc, but we started to grow closer in the last couple months.

Then he went out of the states for 3 months. I was again at a crossroads with my job; was I going to move back home, just major life decisions, etc. He promised me we would move into together when he got back, but then changed his mind in a phone conversation 2 weeks after he left the country.

All this past history came bubbling up, I felt here we go again, something to always halt our progression forward as a couple. I began feeling our relationship is just so stagnant and never going anywhere. Well before he left, I started hanging out with this guy as friends that I know from a sport and social league.

Before my bf left out of the country we hung out chilling as friends, nothing happened, but you could tell we were attracted to each other and we were flirting, but no physical contact.

I knew this friend was going to call me right when my bf left to travel. Sure enough he did and we instantly connected. I mean there is pure fireworks when I am with him. HE tells me he is strongly attracted to me and has feelings, but the timing is messed up. All my friends tell me to not say anything to my bf, except one friend that tells me to be honest.

I was dating a man for 4 yrs. I called bs at first but when he stayed up 7 nights a week with me on the phone and introduced me to everyone in his life I believed him. She was very accomplished in their industry but cold and very hard to look at. All of his friends and family agreed that their relationship was crap. Well, I figured it would run its course and he would fall in love with me like I fell in love with him.

How do I cope? An affair is the result of a marriage breakdown and not the cause. Ideally people should divorce first before moving on but in so many cases this does not happen. My dad is having an emotional affair with a woman who happens to be his tenant and it had been going on for 18 months. It started in typical midlife crisis mode — cannot stand getting older: In the past year he has insulted me, my brother and mother to our faces and in the past has come between us and our friends, pushing them away, causing us to fall out with them.

He announced that he was having an affair to us about two weeks before Christmas. It only lasted 4 weeks until he came back to us, sobbing saying that he was sorry for what he had done. He was sleeping with my mother whether the OW knew, I have no idea. Things were getting better slowly but surely with my mother and father, although I was still suspicious that he was still in contact with her.

My mother asked him to kick her out of the house and to sell it, and also to block her number. We also bought a family caravan at this point I think he had no plans to go back to her. A few weeks after he left he my mother she discovered another number that he had been texting while he was carrying on his EA with her which we have reasons to believe it was her own sister.

Sometimes that takes a lot of guts. All situations are different so none of us should pass judgement. Sometimes — rarely — we are fortunate enough for the stars to line up, the timing to be right and we cross paths with our genuine soulmate and most of the time that is impossible to just walk away from.

I married my husband because I truly loved him. I realized I had made a mistake but believed marriage is forever. Now, 13 years later I am still married to this man who has never showed me any love, and it was connection that I craved. As strong as my commitment is to my husband, I unwillingly fell in love with this man. Reading this is so disturbing. My husband had multiple affairs and the final one he decided to leave me, after 27 years of marriage.

He moved in with his girlfriend and her two small kids. But here is the deal. He was very good at living a double life. His lived his life in compartments.

So when I finally figured it out it took years and read his emails, I realized that he told the other women a much different story about his life at home than what the reality was.

But, he struggled with being able to feel content. We have had a lot of therapy and worked it out and we work every day to keep open communication and stay engaged in a loving, authentic, mature relationship. So here is what I think affair partners should know.

If he is lying to me, he is lying to you. Relationships based on lies are really no relationship at all. Finally, you may wonder how can I trust him. That has made the difference. I take care of him and he takes care of me.

I agree with the last post — — Everyone makes the same excuses for an affair and what it really boils down to is selfishness. Yes- maybe I was not paying attention — clearly I trusted too much and I probably work too much.

So that left idle hands, etc. In reality, that phrase is just a convenient excuse to do what you want. Soulmate or love of my life is just a way to describe the in-love feelings. There is no objective evidence for existence of soulmates.

In-love feelings are obsessive, often buried in fantasy and last somewhere between 6 months and years. They also come with a bouquet of hormones that make the whole experience addictive.

The disillusionment that takes place after this period causes most of the relationships based on affairs to fail. Inability to have your needs met in marriage will likely also be the problem in your new relationship.

If you were not satisfied with you marriage, you need to ask yourself if you truly made the effort yourself. Do you understand what marriage is all about in the first place? Infidelity is often unexpected, because it is compulsive. It originates in lack of self control, selfishness and weak character. They are further built on secrecy. Affairs are often blamed on the spouse or on a bad marriage.

While there are certainly abusive relationships, the fact you have not left them earlier and instead used it to justify an affair speaks for your low self esteem and lack of integrity. Most of the times however the spouse and the marriage become bad in your mind as a way to justify your affair.

This is a coping mechanism against cognitive dissonance. No one is perfect and there is always something to be unhappy about, so you make excuses for your behavior and choices. Any relationship takes work and marriage requires honesty, trust and intimacy. Do you think you have better chance with someone you shared many years with or someone new you have feelings for?

Infidelity is often forgiven when there is sincere remorse and desire to work on marriage. It can be a wake up call that leads to much better relationship with your spouse. My current relationship began 4 years ago as an affair. We were attracted to each other instantly even though we were with our spouses at the time. We controlled the attraction for months, but ended up giving in.

I was in a 28 year long bad marriage, waiting for my son to graduate and move back to the US for college. He claimed his so called 7 year marriage was loveless and she was simply a good friend and partner that often stated that she loved her pets much more than she did him.

After 1 year of our meeting up most every day for hours at our own apartment, my spouse left. Once our son graduated I was presented with divorce papers and all was simple. Shortly after this, he convinced his spouse to return to the States, so we could be together. They were not legally married, so no divorce necessary. She made arrangements and left 3 years ago without much ado.

He moved in with me on the same day. He does pay all the bills for us. He was concerned about the devastating effects of this dog dying so he waited to tell her that he was moving on and had a girlfriend me. I insisted he tell her because I heard through a mutual friend that she wanted to come back and visit him. So a year later 3 years into our relationship he broke the news. It seemed to go over smoothly, but they still keep in touch monthly through email.

My biggest concern is that we work in REal Estate together and pool our commissions into a joint account. We are in our 4th year together and have planned on marrying. Last night, in a drunken stupor he said that once we make a big deal, he would like to send her more money.

I think that is a deal breaker. We barely make ends meet. I need advice here people!!!!! I have been married since We have stayed apart for the last 3 years. We got divorced 1 year back, having a 6 year daughter. I am 31 now. It seems all through my young age I was struggling to build good understanding and trying to be make a happy family. In fact I have given max support to my husband in every way as a wife.

I Compromised, changed myself completely, gave up my career thinking he was worth it because I loved him. But I have gotten nothing but a broken heart. I spent all of my days alone while he was always away from home. At last I was forced to quit thinking that at least I can come out of this pain and give my little girl happiness. Staying alone never seemed to be difficult for me because I was clear about what to do with my career and future.

This is where I was wrong. Life will never give us what we look for. It makes us choose. Which path do we choose, good or bad? Four months ago every thing changed. I knew the man for years.. Suddenly he started admiring me.

I believed his love. In fact, he loves, has very deep feelings for me.. We both are very honest with each other. We are connected emotionally.. We feel that we are soulmates. He cares about my little girl also. He is married with 2 kids. He is being very honest and says that he do loves his wife and kids. He takes care of his family very well. But one question always arise in my mind; if he is really a happy man with his family why has he entered into my life? I do know very well that this relationship is giving me pain and happiness.

I trust him a lot; the way he loves me and takes care of me but, he he has his family. I feel guilty when I think that I am the other woman in his life. As the days passed I started thinking more about him. Whenever I am, in the office, home or out, I am just not able to stop my feelings for him I have already had enough pain in my married life. Now this relationship is giving me happiness and pain. When I shared this with him he said that this pain will be for my life time, but he tries to keep me happy as much as possible.

I have been hating myself now for days. I cannot spend my entire life in this dark affair. I am in confusion. I am not able to judge my position or feelings. No one intentionally gets into these affairs! We will never realize it until we are hurt. After a 20 year marriage my wife had an affair with a married man who has two infant children ; we have three teenagers.

The history was sort of like a B movie. My gut instinct told me she was cheating, I asked, she denied, I hired a PI, who then caught filmed her meeting up in parking lots in shady places.

However, what one should expect, or demand really, is fair disclosure ahead of the secondary relationship crossing the line into romantic love. At minimum, one owes this to your primary spouse, and even more so, themselves.

The truth hurts once, but lies last forever or much longer. Had my wife now ex-wife been honest up front, it would have been much better for her. She, like many cheaters, projected her guilt onto to me, and her youngest child, as she began and pursued her affair. This is where that led her. It is a work related affair at a public school. Both are at risk of losing their jobs she for sure if this comes out.

They are still relegated to parking lots, in off hours, as they maintain secrecy. When I take away my emotion, and look at her decision process, it would have been so much easier had she come clean up front, told me she has fallen in love with someone else, get a divorce and then would proceed with the other person ideally after he did the same.

Once again, it would have still hurt and very much so, however so much drama could have been avoided. Instead, she went with the nefarious affair path, wreaked havoc on both families, and received a scholarship to infamy. If you are about to cross the line into affair land, stop, think about the most dignified exit strategy, which will lead you to truthful disclosure, to your existing spouse and family.

Yes, it might cause you a little lot more pain up front, but it will be less than what you get on the back end. She blindsided me, but then played me for a fool, and in doing so reaped, terrible reward.

A much shorter version could be: Move ahead with the second relationship, only after clearly ending the first. My dad recently revealed that he is having an affair with a woman who happens to live in the house that we rent she is our tenant — he is her landlord.

This is the second time he has gone to back to her. It started that he would be out late drinking at the pub, sometimes until three and four in the morning. At first he tried to blame it on me and my brother, saying that we do nothing when we actually do quite a lot.

When me and my mum asked him if he was having an affair he blatantly said NO! I have Aspergers, my mum has MS and his mother has dementia: He said the reason that he has left is that WE are NOT fun anymore and that we are boring, and that HER and HER family are actually fun and laugh at his jokes which we have heard a thousand times, yawn. He has said that the whole family are scumbags. I know for a fact some of their friends and families smoke weed and do drugs.

So why go back to her and them, then? But he is still quite happy to come back and do the house maintenance. How do you think it will end? My husband left and married the OW, who left her husband. After several years it still hurts. Our son wants his daddy home—and so do I! Yet he married her anyway, how bizarre is that?

His family does NOT approve of his monumentally stupid choice. Well…I believe he and I will reconcile, though it may take a while. But I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. My son knows that his father is living in sin…but he still loves his dad, and I encourage that. And no, I would NOT be stupid to take my husband back. And I still love my husband very much. Divorce him, concentrate on yourself, and move on.

I have been married for 3. I was his everything. We laughed together, we travelled, we were supportive of each other, we were two peas in a pot.

Eventually we separated in October when he left the house and told me he was going to live with his grandmother for a month to think things through. He assured me that he still loved me and that he would visit me every day and hang out with me. You want to know how I found out?? He never had the guts to tell me face to face. I see pictures of them hugging and kissing and it kills me!

I am so heartbroken and destroyed. I feel lonely, confused, betrayed, angry, sad, abandoned…. I cannot believe he did what he did.

What the hell is that?? We still talk here and there but he seems not himself anymore. He left this marriage impulsively and he has mental issues. Like many of you, I read and read and read stories on here trying to link my situation with other and I did. I like the first sentence that has stated in that things change, seasons change and people change. In the beginning I prayed on a dirty bathroom floor at my job, snot, tears, messy hair for 30min asking God to take me away from the temptation before my situation happened.

I know we have choices and that was mine. I eventually had a daughter after a few years of marriage but instantly since she was born became the single parent. The intimacy was lacking, no connection and so forth. One thing that I do in life is I journal — I deeply believe in it, as you are in another time in your life, feeling a certain way in your truth at that particular time.

I have several journals and decided to write in them over the course of my marriage as well as my teens and 20s…recently I looked back on them and was flabbergasted by how unhappy I was and how I longed for certain things in my marriage that were not being fulfilled mainly support with our child. I kept justifying my situation to make me feel somewhat better never truly living my authentic self.

I even helped raised his 2 other children by 2 different women. I am now moving out of my home and we will have joint custody of our young daughter. So for ANYONE to come on here bible bashing or bashing in general seems to be obvious that they are not happy within themselves let alone someone else. Things change, seasons change, people change…. I was caught off guard to a degree finding out my ex-wife wanted a divorce, I was even more bewildered when I found out she was sleeping with and moving in with another man.

Hindsight, I should have seen the signs. Me working nights, she working days, two kids in diapers, complete bedlam and little time for intimacy. It is strange how real life stress can disintegrate any bond you thought you had with a partner that should have only lasted three to six months…. When everything first unfolded I was enraged and deeply depressed at the same time. Enter the rub, we are having are last date tomorrow and going out to dinner and seeing a show, knowing that this very well could be are last night out together.

With all the sham, drudgery, and broken dreams the world can still be a beautiful place. We had been married for 5 years when he left me. He said he just wanted to focus on his career and not worry about a wife. Few weeks after out divorce was finalized, he married a woman he knew through work in a country where he travelled for work about twice a month. They now live here together and she has taken my place in his and his families life.

It was like after 10 years together I just ceased to exist. Luckily I have moved on because I feel that anyone who can be that deceitful is not worthy of ever being trusted again.

There are hard days but I love myself enough to just let it go. One thing that does often cross my mind though, is that the only reason I am able to live a peaceful existence is because my conscious is free from guilt.

So what are the odds this new marriage of his will last? I know I was a great wife and he left for his own emotionally disturbed reasons. How can this second marriage not be doomed from the beginning is beyond me.

I am older, the female, and have been in a marriage for 19 years, for security. I felt he was and has been more like a father, but very emotional mentally abusive. He noticed me some, but not enough. I believe everything happens for a reason. Recently, I connected with him and several of us went out. Neither of us expected it, but it was magic.

I am and have been in love with him all of these years. His marriage has been one of convenience. We live in different states and he never cheated.

I know he feels the same. I am married out of convenience and I have a male friend for years. Since I was young I have been head over heels, but our paths were separated. In the last five years they have crossed and in the past few months it has become more. Both of our children are grown and gone. We are middle aged and have told each other we love each other.

I am in a place to leave. He could and says he wants to, but I think he is scared. His marriage is out of convenience. We agree we are both in abusive relationships. I am in total love, always have been. I want the whole package but there is nothing i can do if he is comfortable the way he living and getting the both of best worlds. This just started; it has only been a few months and we are fairly far apart geographically.

Any critics I know them for years. I completely agree with you, My mom was devastated. She had loved my husband as her own son and it totally broke her heart. His mom was hurt by his actions as well.

We lost our home that we worked so hard for. I have since moved on and remarried and am very happy. I honestly cannot tell you how he feels about his situation. I, too, have the same opinion of cheaters.

Some people stumble and take down everyone with them. There can be a ripple effect that involve children, extended family, financial stability, housing, etc. People who have affairs are lacking in the moral department. I have made the choice to have a better life without a cheater in it. I feel sorry for you, though. I made a mistake but know that God is unchanged in his love for me, even when I stumble. There is hope for you as well. Very well said, I wish I could print that up and send it to my ex.

I left my wife and two children 8 years ago, for the girl I was having an affair with. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life. I have felt nothing but guilt and grief for the past few years, not really playing a big role in the upbringing of my two boys.

This is what had destroyed my life the most. And the constant bickering between my ex wife and partner I had the affair with, pretty much did me in. This time I can never have back. If your marriage is in crisis, or you are having an affair, I totally understand it, but take some time to think about your kids and make sure there emotional well being is also taken into consideration.

And, yes a relationship that began in deceit, can really never have the trust needed. Then the resentment you had for your marriage, you were so unhappy with, gets transfered over to the partner you had the very affair that ended it, ruining that. We are all just trying to find our way in life, there is no hand book tailored specially for you, so you make the decision that is right at the time. Hindsight, is one of the most horrible words in the English language, because there is no time machine to go back, and correct where things went wrong, that you know so many years later.

This is what I needed all along, not anti depressants or pain killers. You brought it on yourselves knowing full well what you were doing. Not just for the wife,but kids,families, …. You destroy trust, family structure, the list is endless. Go cry to someone who gives a damn. You have done enough damage already. And yes I am calling you a cheater and a home wrecker as well as the louse you cheated with.

You reap what you sow and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am a recent widow of 2. I was married for 34 years to a terrific man and had a beautiful daughter.

Before meeting my husband I was in a loving relationship with a wonderful loving young man, but unfortunately we drifted apart when I went to college and he took a job with another company out of state.

This young man and I have always been in love with one another and had some contact early on in my marriage as friends, but clearly we still cared for each other. Time passed till 35 years later and out of the blue this young man from so many years ago contacts me to see how I was. Oddly it was on the two year anniversary of my husbands death.

We spoke on the phone and honestly felt as though it was that young couple in love from so many years ago. We met for lunch to catch up and he told me he was married. My heart sank as I knew this was not something I wanted to be involved in. The connection was so electric and I was so vulnerable still that just having someone to talk to and share my sadness with was incredibly satisfying. We met again for another lunch and it began.

The physical attraction that is. Now I know this was wrong, but there I was kissing a married man. He revealed to me that he has never stopped loving me for 35 years. My heart skipped a beat. I felt the same way he did. Did I mention he has two grown daughters? But his actions began to show me that he really was thinking of me for so many years.

As a woman I would never want this to happen to me. But there is no doubt…we are so in love with each other that its heart wrenching.

On the other hand he and his wife have been in a sexless marriage for 8 years now. Yet we feel like Also 4 years ago he was in a seriously bad situation as he was stricken with cancer. He survived and vowed to reconnect with me if he ever survived. So finally…after so many years we have found joy…in our ripe old age. But just want you all to know that this story is something out of a movie or novel. However…its also tormenting because how can something that feels so incredibly right be so wrong?

But this blog made me realize I am not alone. But please, do the right thing, end one relationship before starting another. There is no justifying cheating. It also sounds like you could use some quality time for yourself and your kids if you are in a position to do so.

Do you have family that you can go to? It turns out I have none. Her family is starting to at least ask her questions, and communicate a little. I feel better for that. I wanted this to be as easy on her kids as possible. As to your question why do fools fall in love? Because they are just that, fools. I was any way. And , if you are in the midst of your own nightmare, be strong, take each day one a at a time.

The past 3 days I have read every comment and learned a lot. Why do fools fall in love? He has a new job that takes him away from our home and was only around on weekends.

That is where I found pictures of her. I felt like I was stabbed. When I asked why did he string me along and make me think we had a life together, when we clearly did not, he replied that it was complicated. Which I assumed meant they were biding their time until they could be together? She is married too with three children. We do not have any together. It would seem they are very much in love and could tell each other everything including how unhappy they were in their marriages.

I wish someone would have told me. He never even gave me a chance. Any way, to make a long story short we wondered if we could be friends since we agreed that it had once been pretty solid. I asked what about me? I have been doing this alone.

I know how terrible sometimes family can be and just felt genuinely bad for her. I told him that I wanted to invite her here to my home and help me clean and pack.

Took me a while to convince him, took even longer to convince her. She finally made it there and was greeted by me at the door with a big hug. I told them not to confuse this with me forgiving them, I have not. There is much more, but the end result was I gave them both my love and support and wished them happiness. I gave her my phone number and said she could call or text if she needed to.

For those who are thinking I am just desperate and hanging on, let me assure you, I am far from it. I have let him go already, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Sadly for me, what friends and some of his family members who had originally opened up their hearts to me have closed the doors and have stopped speaking to me.

I suspect because of how I chose to deal with this. This was a much clearer path for my healing to begin, despite the difficulties. Can anyone offer any advice on my what seems to be huge loss of everyone around me?

I really appreciate some of the heart felt, open posts on this forum. You remind me of what it means to be human. The religious dogma has its place- on a forum for fanatics. If a person, such as a scientist, does not believe in a make believe jugge in the sky, these moral brow beating posts fall on deaf ears.

Marriage is also a social construct that defies who we really are as free spiritual and physical beings with real human emotions and desires. Beating a Bible from some sort of moral pulpit is not any sort of response. I just broke up with my fiancee a couple weeks ago.

I am a lot older than him. I am 38 and he is When we fist got together we hit it off right away. I thought fate brought us together because I moved out of state to be with someone else. The relationship only lasted a year and I was back out in the dating pool a few months later. I met my fiancee on a dating site. We had a fairytale relationship for the first 20 months. There was nothing I could do wrong in his eyes. My annoying quirks he would find cute and silly. I breathed him in everytime he was near me.

We moved in together after the first year and decided to share a joint bank account. He prosed to me on My birthday in May I cried all day.

I was the happiest woman on earth. After he put that ring on my finger we started having issues in our relationship. We were fighting about little things more and more. We were losing the communication. I thought maybe we were spending too much time with each other and at this stage in our relationship almost 2 years that we needed to have an outside life so I took up a hobby.

I started playing poker. He got jealous and would tell me that I was spending too much time with poker and neglecting him. I started playing less but he would still find an excuse to not like me going to play poker. I felt like I could do no right in his eyes now. This hit a nerve and I write this in tears. In the summer time I dated a man who I believed to be divorced but was only separated, and for less than a year.

I realised too late and was heart broken. After meeting a string of men who were afraid of commitment, I thought this man with his 18 year marriage was at least, surely, not a commitment phobe. And I liked him, a lot. Really, this brief episode was just awful. Hence, perhaps, my possibly exaggerated response to a MM making advances mentioned in last 2 posts. Mary, was it also you that posted about the gum popping coworker, too? If so, maybe you need a change of jobs.

Hi Tink I read your comment on the last post — thank you! As you know changing ourselves for the better is not an overnight process. But keep at it.

We women need to stop feeling that a man is essential to making our lives complete. This realization and new found truth has come with age. I like my life. But I can always find something to do and spend time with friends to fill the void.

I feel the need to just stay away. To reminisce is to wish for that thing you believe will make you whole. More prayers for you and Petie. But that is not the case. I still care and want to know how he is, just like he very much wants the same.

Wish it were easier. I pray for strength to get through this. I was really hoping he would. Mary, Sorry you went through this and it really hurts. When most men are newly divorced they behave like Kids in a Candy Store! So many treats to try.

Best wishes for you to find a truly loving relationship. It felt good to get it off my chest. The whole on-line dating thing is also out of the window now. That is one huge candy store for EUMs of one description or another. All the best to you, too. This is so true. This marketplace view of seeing people as commodities is a frightening one. I wish I understood the importance of getting involved with a man fresh out of a breakup before it happened to me.

He was not married but has two young children with his ex. When I met him he was one year out of his relationship with her. He had lived with her and they owned a home together for 8 years.

He was also 10 years older than me. Since he told me it had been a year since they broke up and she lived in another state, I believed that he had or at least was working on moving past his relationship with her. We moved full steam ahead into a relationship that seemed to be going somewhere. A very long story short, by the time I realized that he was still emotionally attached to her I was already in hip deep. I dealt with his denial and his unwillingness to commit to me off and on for 3 years.

I broke off the relationship for good in April when on a trip together, he told me that she was coming with their two children to stay with him in his tiny apt for a few weeks in the summer. I was floored and cried so hard. I felt like such a fool because deep in my heart I always knew that he would not commit to me because he was still playing house with her long distance she lives out of state.

Natalie, I came across your blog shortly after this happened and I thank you for your insight and for sharing your experiences with us. Hi Abby — just wanted to let you know I can totally relate. You do get past it, it just takes time and sticking to NC. My exAC told me he was divorced 4 years.

I thought it was odd that he and exW seemed to text, talk and meet up excessively. At first, I minimized, because they are coparenting 3 children. He told me his exW has hardly no contact with his family since they split.

He said his exW moved to the other side of town. But, my instincts started telling me something was shady. Turns out his exW lives 1 mile from his front door.

Divorced barely 1 year. Separated 4 years ago, reconciled for 2 years and divorced right before I met him. And exW has plenty of contact with his family. As I saw recent pics of her on vacation with family. Even if she has no sincere interest, when she sniffs out he has a GF, she can jump in and cause drama. It keeps him EU. He prefers to lie and future fake, because keeping it casual is the most he can handle. And then there was the recent exGirlfriend who was also a ghost in our relationship.

Another living 1 mile from his front door. AArgh, I finally got tired of negotiating, retreating, playing Columbo and feeling used. If your in a relationship, you have to ask to speak to the exWife. Afterall, your spending time with him and his kids, so you are justified having a convo with her. Red flag, if he balks at that request. At first I thought that was a crazy idea. But, I get it now. Thanks very much for your response Sparkle.

Your story is so familiar! I also read your flashback about the ER visit. Funny how those flashes keep coming back to haunt us.

They serve as a reminder to leave ACs alone. Believe me I have many flashbacks myself. Sounds like the guy you were involved with was a piece of work also. So for a person like my Mr. U I was ripe for the picking. Best of luck to you. I had a flashback this morning regarding something my exAC told me. We were in his truck, returning from a day trip to the beach. Out of the blue, he says.

Oh did I tell you the crazy way I met an exGF? I took my daughter to the ER and she was a nurse. She was good looking. I got the courage to call her a few days later. She asked me when I was going to fix her up with my friends. I told her I was interested. She said your married, so no thanks.

I told her I was getting separated soon. It took 1 month but finally she caved. I dated her a year then kicked her to the curb, cuz I reconciled with the exWife. I said, well this is what generally what happens when a girl gets involved with a married man. I wanted to jump out of the truck. His arrogance was nauseating. He semmed proud of his conquest and no empathy. This story just confirms how important it is to have strong boundaries and stay away from men who are obviously unavailabe.

The end result is always disappointment and heartbreak. This should have been the major red flag as I look back on it all now that he made excuses that she would make life hell with access arrangements and was scared of her. I was there to hold his hand through the difficult times but all I got was crumbs. During the relationship he had been texting other women, going on chat forums and escort websites for ego stroking.

But I was too soft to kick him to the curb, as I made excuses with him bring depressed and struggling with the divorce. It got so bad he stop communicating with me and when I asked what was happening I got nothing! Any way we broke up and went into NC, then 6 weeks later I get a text asking my expert opinion on something! But got no thanks or even asked how I was!! Then said he wanted to be on his own, which my reply was he should have said rather than string me along!

Selfish AC… Then two months later I see him out on a date with someone!! A complete slap in the face!! You end up with crumbs in the end. I was totally drained from the experience. I started dating again and was charmed by a widower, but recently learned his wife passed away only a year ago. To tell you the truth, even though she was an amazing woman, the Tales of Yore started to bore me.

Let someone else comfort him. Swissmiss, Yes you can never compete with the dead. I once heard that line in a film and it stuck forever. This was a Helena Bonham-Carter film about a couple who become friends with a rich heiress, he woos her, only the heiress dies and he finds himself madly in love with her even though he was only after her money in the first place.

So the couple breaks up eventually. Hi SwissMiss, And if they are older widowers, then they have financial agendas they are protecting. If they had to divvy-up the stuff in the divorce they tend to be pretty protective of their nest egg, and home. Plus, there is factor of his children. All so complicated, seriously, it is easier for us to develop and be happy in our own lives without these men. At my age, divorced is my only real option.

What worries me are the multiply divorced. Is it that the dude does not do well in a marriage due to some personality issues or was he just unlucky? My dad was divorced 3x and the reason was definitely the former. Good lessons in how not to be. I really listen to how the ex is talked about. Yep, if it was all her fault, if he accepts no part in the failure of the marriage, time to run away fast. There really is no time limit on getting over it; I dated someone who divorced in and still was angry about it.

Some newly divorced had their marriages die a long time ago. I too worry about the end of my marriage and whether I am over it. Partially because of the circumstances; we never fell out of love, I had to leave to find work. Partially because my ex is a wonderful, intelligent, socially aware person and most men I have met since do not come even close to what he is.

I am no longer physically attracted to him but I do miss the meaningful companionship. I realize I was really lucky with my ex husband and that maybe I ought to just give up.

Obviously we broke up for a reason, namely problems neither of us had the skills or maturity to resolve. He will never get closure, she, if truly a narc, is incapable of such. He needs to fish or cut bait, period. She was still a big part of his life — including, having a key to his home. Every time she called he jumped, and they still did family outings with the college age children — funny though, he declined her invite to reconcile.

A lot of them are just strange. Some of these guys will never get over their wife, girlfriend or whoever especially if the woman has dumped them. What can I say! I hope not for her sake but he still talks about his dead wife constantly and recently took this lady on a holiday to all the favourite places he went to with his wife. Your friend is going to get screwed, as she sounds like a true Florence. Has she always been co-dependent? The lady is more an acquaintance rather than a friend and I think from the way she behaves and warns all the other women off she is in love with this guy.

From what I can gather she knew both of them before his wife died and maybe she has had a secret thing for him for quite some time and now the wife is no longer around its full steam ahead. She definitely has her own agenda here. Men will do what they want, when they want. My ex husband was living with a girl shortly after we split and he kept ringing me and coming around saying he still loved me and wanted to get back together.

I asked him if his girlfriend knew how he felt and he looked at me as if I was silly. I finally figured out that what he was doing with this other girl had nothing to do with how he felt about me. The poor girl was a stop-gap until he got me back and then everything would be great between us again. What was he thinking! It becomes a pattern in their life with issues never being resolved, just masked until reality hits at some point if it hits at all.

It almost sounds like there is no conscience at all- the ones that use the bridge to overcome their sorrows. Both myself and my husband have moved on however, due to the fact of being mistreated whilst married which resulted in me losing my self-esteem completely.

My belief now is that, I will never meet anyone again. Is it because of the perception held about myself. I look forward to your response. My last ex husband was a highly sophisticated AC of the PA type. He knew better than to tell tales with red flags. He had nothing bad to say about his ex wife and he loved his mother, two things which I viewed as positive. There was nothing further to add — ha! Seven years later, I was so fed up with him that I got up the nerve to compare notes with his ex and we had a lovely afternoon.

It clarified a lot. It took me another three years to line up an escape route. I left my wedding ring on top of a note before I went out the door.

Here is something that you might want to print write out and stick it up on your wall where you see it every day! I was operating out of this sick premise. I guess I just needed to really, really learn this lesson. After this article, I am just wondering if I have picked another unavilable male because I am still so unavailable.

I wish you all such blessings in walking this path that is so HARD and takes a lot of courage. You have been spying on me again Nat!!! The Object of My Affections has been blowing hot and cold.

I know, I really do, that he is interested, but he pulls me close and then pushes me away again. He has been divorced for many years and has minimal contact with EXW as kids all grown up. I just wanted to say after reading your post, this person is definitely an EUM.

I just posted an update see earlier near my original posts. He broke up with me, I am just beyond devastated. I want him to want me— even after he heals, but there is no such guarantee…. I am a great woman- he does know that- I just feel like maybe I could never quite compare to how hr felt about her— and that is very tough to swallow given the emotional abuse she subjected him to during their relationship.

Some are comfortable in this environment, as its what they know. This guy has a boatload of problems, and is not over the ex. There is no room for you in his life. Give yourself some time, and look for someone who is attracted to healthy. This man cannot provide it.

I wish this article was penned a few months ago.. LOL because this article felt like it was meant for me to read. We dated for 4 months and shortly after started to show the signs which I thankfully recognized before I found myself in the FWB category. Its quite fresh and there are even days when I would like to call him but I think its best for me not to do this, he needs to figure this out on his own and I will not be anyones shrink he was a great friend but I want more.

Thanks NML all the best with the show!!!! I suppose because they are in shorter supply, and we older chix are in excess, they really feel no need to get their act together as some chick is always there desperate enough to take them as is.

Seems to be a lot more allegedly available guys that have major emotional issues, financial issues, addiction issues. I find this really alarming as I am a very overedumacated sort and am not hanging out in crappy bars, hook up singles venues, anywhere remotely trashy and still encounter dudes rife with these problems including attachments to exes, using women as rebounds etc.

Methinks our society is headed in a very bad direction. I am finding men at my age 65 much nicer than when I was younger. I avoid the traditional types: We all need time to recover from disappointment and loss, but some men do not have the will or energy to build their own lives. The widower did fear he would be stuck there, was ready to clean out the house, remove his wedding band, etc.

He was Taking Steps. Or at least I did. It was the same with the ex. The wife, the kid, the this, the that…I was third on the totem pole, our needs as a couple came last. I made up my mind, through BR, that I was never going to devalue myself like that again. The creatives I meet seem sensitive, concerned, and readily accept that relationships start as friendships…with a click. Maybe because creative roles require them to be imaginative, practical and in the moment?

Noquay—yea, my target age group is 40ss. I do think available men get taken off the market quickly because there are more women around. I tend not to focus on that too much, because all it takes is one good guy, right? Swissmiss It probably has a lot to do with the part of the country I now reside in.

Although I am educated in the sciences, I am also very humanitarian and creative. It seems as though these dudes just want to watch life on TV rather than living it daily.

I miss the exchange of ideas, the in depth looking at issues; most of my colleagues just want to talk shop. At least you give me some shred of hope that maybe in my 60s, when I retire, I will be able to leave this area, though I will miss mountains and mountain lions, and be able to travel a bit beyond my home base up north and find such men. Is it an Anglo culture thing or a post-industrial thing? Love what you wrote. I think that because men think with their private bits — we will have to renew and make major societal rules similar to what was going on in the s in the USA — in part, family ties, dating, monogamy, and no sex before marriage.

Divorce was not the norm it was disgraceful. So many women suffered depressions, shock treatments and were committed by their husbands into asylums. Unless we women change and enforce new social rules including freedom of sexual preference.. Feels so un-natural for me to not be having sex on a regular basis. Angelface I wholeheartedly agree. I think women set the parameters on sex because we historically have had so much more at stake.

We still do, but it got lost in the confusion of new found freedoms e. I wish the pendulum would swing to the middle already. Noquay, I always empathize with your posts because you and I are in exactly the same boat. I was brought up in a world-class city and have always been torn between my need for the vibrant, cultured urban world and my deep love of nature. Very, very hard to find someplace that blends the two.

The men I work with here are very interesting, educated, rather progressive and broad-minded people with many interests. Like me, they are all from other places, which is very typical in this field, and as transplants we have a lot in common.

They are my equals — and unfortunately all are already married. The only single men here are the locals. Because of its beauty, this area is also a prime spot for retirees and artists which did seem promising at first — but almost all of them come here as well-off couples who are enjoying a comfortable retirement with their hobbies and grandchildren.

I have yet to meet one suitable man who has retired here as a single person. I am not going to find a partner if I stay here. Not quite sure what to do about this truth. Wiser—I live in a place like you describe Cape Cod actually. I know a handful of singles who have all dated the same pool of online men and now will only date strictly off Cape. There are things here that meet many of my needs, but the man thing is pffft. Unfortunately Swissmiss, I am a very high activity, outdoor oriented person and despite my yearning for things cultural and intellectual, do not do well in any sort of urban and suburban environments.

Lived in both and came close to killing myself. Lots of older, fit men come here for the races but find the poverty and trashiness of this town a turn off.

Dating a local and the horrid, humiliating situation with the at work AC has convinced me to avoid locals like a disease. I do a lot to try and help, even fix this community, but it is a matter of working very hard and getting very little in return which I guess is to be expected.

I made a very wrong choice on where to live although I also realize that at the time, this seemed a really good choice, that I have a great job, most of my colleagues are awesome, and the financial analysis of my situation has shown that sticking it out so I can retire early while I am still vital and healthy makes the most sense. I own my own homes, pay my own way in all things, and am very careful to protect my assets because of this very issue.

Tis really cool to read the perspective of another older women and at least know I am not alone. Wiser, add mountains and Id swear your friend lived in my town.

Yep, teeth are scarce and hygiene can be iffy or is that whiffy. I was raised to be wannabe white, wannabe middle class by my uneducated parents and bailed to the woods at 17 and worked my way through college as I was NEVER going to be sucked into wither wannabe or redneck values ever again. Sadly, my home community, where I lived with my ex is more rural try people than here but also had a small educated, progressive community.

I guess it is much harder to live in these areas when completely alone than partnered. Hi Wiser, If you are considering the giographical solution be sure to factor in all the effects of global warming in any area you might choose to live.

Best to pick a place where you can earn your way, be safe, and find a mate. Does that place exist? Best wishes to you. Where you reside is definately a factor. I am not making excuses, but the X was the most exciting thing that happened to me there. For him, too, although he liked that atmosphere.

Gosh, it was dull. I have since moved to a major metropolis. Lots of stimulation and choices. One man gave me a huge hug on the first date. Forty years ago he would have hit the road. Maybe that makes a difference? I think the article overly presumptuous and unfair. I think it will be finalized next month. My ex has been purposely dragging his feet and our case is complicated due to the assets we own and the state of the economy which makes it difficult for us to liquidate them.

I am a self-confessed Virtual, and have been a Fallback Girl for an online guy who lives km away! I asked to meet up with him in-person, but he was too afraid because he claims we would eventually resent one another over the distance — it could never work.

I stopped e-mailing him. I just want to stop, and move on, for good. It is a terrible feeling of being used and abused and they rarely, if ever, apologize or even see their maltreatment.

I used to have a hard and fast rule of no divorced or separated men until I hit I realized I was going to have to relax my rule if I ever wanted to see daylight or nighttime with a man again.

My first and critical mistake was allowing him to even sniff the steam off my pee never mind that I focused on the 2 years separated, him living in his own apartment for 2 years. There had been no emotional airbag in between so guess what I was?

The buffer, the bridge, the doormat. Painful lesson and one I will never do again. The man is a Narc so his separation status is not the only issue at the fore and ironically, due to his selfish, self-serving treatment of me, I got out in a relatively short amount of time. In that respect, it was a win for me but a brutal victory.

His selfishness was off the charts in every respect. She seemed normal to me and she is. Hell, she worked and paid for everything while he mooched off of her.

He feels entitled to it too. Did he ever give her any thought about what he was contributing and how to make her happy? Of course, he took zero responsibility no matter how many times 3 that I know of for sure I tried to ask him what he did or did not do to contribute to their divorce.

He left her with a 10 month year old child validated in obsequious ways to seek out his narcissistic supply on his website. No, his ex-wife I can only imagine is a co-dependent. It still steams me he cannot accept, own, apologize or make amends to me or anyone else for that matter. I know better and I know what any woman who snags into him will get. Hope they enjoy the one-sided narcissistic relationshit he can provide and nothing more. Children do make it more complicated. Yet another aspect he was totally insensitive about.

I wanted to wait and make sure we were solid before becoming involved. I thought that was healthy and mature. He is a user, an operator, an opportunist, a liar, a hypocrite, and a stand up right bastard. He is an entitled little Napoleon with a shrimp dick and a false self to protect his fragile wittle ego. All I was to him was a warm body, an ear to listen to his grievances and his own aggrandizement.

Being used and abused is the worst feeling, especially if the abuser is incapable of realizing the errors of their ways. He may appear willing and eager — wonder why? I learned a lot of lessons but I think we sometimes tell ourselves this positive takeaway to explain or validate our experience s. Sometimes we just get unlucky and sometimes we get lucky.

We try to make sense of it but I think we do the best with what is offered. The reason I say this is the separated Narcs brother met his now wife when he was newly separated. So you see, it does happen. It happened right in front of me while I dated the brother who was the typical EUM we write about here. Some of us by hook or crook find ourselves with assclowns, while others who are far more ignorant land up with the princes we all hope for in the end.

The things these men will tell themselves in order to sleep at night is astonishing. They will do mental calisthenics to avoid any shred of personal responsibility. But this horse manure of: Sadly, men have become so selfish and driven by their own agendas and desires, we are trampled on in their wake.

Not sure why we bother? Optimism in the face of reality where men are continually satisfied by online porn that satisfies only their needs by the way and creates a disparaging standard for regular women to aspire to, online dating and texting crap where every woman is merely an object or a function, but real care, compassion and devotion is too much to bother with.

Desperate women will accept the unacceptable, the intolerable and the nere do wells in the hopes of rescuing, saving and fixing these boys into men keep doing ourselves and society a disservice. The damage is lasting if not permanent.

People tell me to be open and optimistic. Every single time I paid dearly. This from a grown ass man who pretends to be stupid when it suits but prides himself on being so smart otherwise. I have to agree with you…. I recently had a date with guy, who currently divorcing his wife…he told me on the first and only date, that his wife decided to divorce him after being with him for 20 years and 4 kids together, the yongest one only 4 years old!

Do I want this man, of course NOT, he definitely not ready to meet anyone, 5 months of separation is not enough! I recognise the hurt and anger in your post and I totally relate. I was sooooo desperate that I ignored the many huge red flags. Yes I know how stupid I was. It was only 6 weeks and I hardly saw him in the last weeks but I was hopelessly hooked.

So clingy and in need of love and affection. The damage is proving to be long lasting in my case, too. I only attract assclowns anyway.

I do not understand why separated men think they are single it is mind boggling. I have a friend who is five years separated with no divorce in sight despite what he says. When my ex-husband and I separated we each met someone else within a couple of months. I was definitely done with my marriage and thought of myself as single.

I eventually bought a house with the man I met and my exH is still married to and has a child with the woman he met back then. FX, your situation is unusual and pretty much the exception to the rule. The odds of someone getting involved with a newly divorced person and have this result are pretty low.

That said, there are other factors to look out for before ruling someone out. We were all young. I think I was EU which is why I wanted out of my marriage and then left the other nice man with whom I owned the house. I was probably truly single for the first extended time in my life and still EU, many years later when I met the AC who brought me to BR. From what my child tells me, her father and step-mother do not have an especially happy marriage.

No AC stuff nor related to being divorced. Just the odds of life…. I will say that I think something my mother told me when I was younger is often true. I have changed so much, though, that, perhaps, I would enjoy it and do a better job now. I also used to meet many more appealing men than I do now so it may be a moot point!

Every single man who I have ever known in my entire life always said they wanted someone like me, but they never pursued women like me. This is why getting pregnant the oldest trick in the book is what so many women have resorted to. This is why, if I were ever o not be married again, I would never ever in a million years date any man from my ethnic group the men I have been talking about.

But I suspect that all men are the same. This article is amazing. When we met he told me he was separated for a few months.

Then I found out it was actually just weeks before she left and I and him met. Now he has only one month till he leaves to his own country, and suddenly he announces me out of the blue that his ex is coming. He told me that and implied that we will not see each other during that time. NOt even for one night! This is the same guy who told me a few days ago he would want to have kids with me. Donno what to do next…. Dear Kate, if he is separated from his wife, why does she have her things in his flat, and why will it take her 10 days to retrieve them?

This mess with men was never only a personal issue. It has always been societal as well. Unless a man makes a conscious choice to be aware of the messages in out culture, see how they are wrong,transcend them and evolve this is what we are stuck with.

I dated two back to back married men. The first one ripped my heart out almost beyond repair and hoom here comes number two. It was fascinating that I needed to replay the tape once again. The second one was used to heal from the first sick I know. Both ended in a disaster. First one goes back, second one gets a divorce after I leave him , never tells me and now is screwing someone new. The someone new will most definately be the fbg but it still burns the same.

I needed to learn this lesson twice and this time I did. Funny but all the stories relate to my ex AC and guess what?? Their only role models were their older colleagues, who treated women like crap and were heavy drinkers. Industry closes in the 80s, taking most supporting businesses with it including ranching, the railroad, etc.

Those that as t this point are in their 40s or older, with zero education, their only job skills in an industry that no longer exists, addicted to alcohol, maybe drugs are stuck. Anywhere else they go in the region is going to be too expensive with the growth of the rich people ski hills nearby or the wealthy couple enclaves in the former ranching towns to the south.

Drink and drug more. There is a large Hispanic community trapped in trailer parks, working slave labor jobs at the resorts downhill, then there is the yearly influx of us overedumacated racers, and us academics who still live in the town and try to improve things as we find stuff like domestic violence, falling apart housing, dead cars, hard core druggies, and mine waste a bit of a turnoff.

We are also the folks that can contribute the most to needed charities, do most of the volunteer work, fix up our homes, clean up or restore our land. The old guard, which is also my local dating pool resentsus uppity women bbecause we avoid them and we also, being both educated and gainfully employed out earn them by a considerable margin.

In some ways, I feel sorry for these dudes, in some ways I zero pity for them. Instead they chosedrink, drugs, cheap sex we actually had many prostitutes here , and the ski bum life instead. I had to leave a marriage andmy real home so I could be responsibly employed, pay my bills, provide for my own health care, save for retirement.

I agree with Lisa. This article does seem unfair and one-dimensional. Divorce IS complicated and getting involved with a divorcee will add some difficult and challenging aspects to a relationship.

Every person is different. The longer you keep treading in those waters the more pain and loss of confidence in yourself, your own judgement, on the flipside… trust me, just under two years but I still feel pangs of sadness and remorse from time to time being reminded of him, which usually sends me into a low self esteem hangover and then here to Baggage Reclaim for comfort and consoling.

Thanks for all the kind words! Hon, there is nothing to walk away from. This man is married and neglected to tell you the truth. He is a liar and user. I can be certain that the wife does not know of his relationship with you, as he is still with her. Block and go NC immediately, or you will certainly be screwing yourself, and feel even lower, some months down the line!

So sorry this happened. With widowers you can never get them to see past the dead wife who takes on sainthood status so they are a no go for me. My personal feelings are that men who end up single after many years have a rooster in the hen house mentality and like to bed as many women as possible to find what they want and ease their pain.

They then screw themselves up and sadly others in the process. More fool those women who are willing to have such casual sex. For myself it is a case of trust. I was deceived and cheated on. The cheating that I knew about was for the last 2. I am 3 years single in the jungle, 2 years divorced and the thought of a relationship now actually terrifies me thanks to the AC I have met along the way. If people are together a long time and one becomes ill that is different but taking on someone who is ill is not something I am willing to do.

Be happy, because he could have been doing the same. MRWriter I agree with much of what you say. Lots of folks looked askance at our 28 year age difference but we did well.

When I tried to date after we broke up, it was a completely different and very ugly world. I will no longer date men my age anymore. The AC was my age; lesson learned plus so many guys my age have small children and my parenting days are over.

Men like my best friend, in his 70s, hold doors open for me, bring in firewood without being asked, help me on with my coat when we leave a restaurant. Try getting a 50 or younger to do those things.

The AC was 10 years younger and had absolutely beautiful manners. Unfortunately, he set the bar high in that regard but also lied as easily as he breathed. I also expect to feel taken care of by a man in other ways, and, without that, my desire would not be piqued regardless of any other qualities.

I think just like there are no hard and fast rules for how long it takes for someone to become emotionally available after the end of a relationship, there are also no age requirements for behaving like a gentleman. Unfortunately, there are people of all ages — male and female — seem to have been raised by wolves no matter where you are! I have literally zero time, patience or libido to deal with bs!

At 47 and living in the deep south as a democrat, arty, vegan it is getting really hard to feel like I am going to meet anyone.

I feel so unattracted to most of the guys I meet my age because so many of them are arrogantly dealing with their post-divorce issues…or they are 70 pounds overweight with no hobbies.

I wish that I just did not care at all to date but there is a part of me that is still getting out there. Hopefully I can keep hope alive: They probably look at you as a Martian, as traditional as they are down there.

Wish we were allowed to engage in how you detected that. Your comments and questions are always so direct. Brooklyn is where I grew up until 12yrs old when my parents built a home in NJ. Oh, I grew up in Bed-Stuy. It was bad then which is why my parents got us out of there. I def attribute a lot of my personality to having grown up in a place where there were The Bloods and The Crips, and really bad kids at school.

You had to know how to fight or you were a sitting duck. I was never bullied, though. How bout deal with your stuff… get yourself back and then begin something new. Its like being unemployed and trying to date…. U have a choice. Choose to be the best you possible.

Why are you in a rush to be with someone else with this huge thing going on? But you are assuming everyone who gets divorced is traumatized bc of and during. Some of us became mentally divorced from the spouse years earlier. For us, the only issue is the hassle of waiting for and paying for the legal proceedings. And there are plenty of never-married people and people who have been divorced for decades who are jerks. Lisa My husband has only just moved out, but we were separated under the same roof for two years.

I am really far too busy to date, and very nervous about it too, but I feel that I have processed the failure of my marriage and a proper relationship would be possible for me. I can see that some men would view my situation as very off putting, as my husband lives close by and we will continue to have a lot of contact because of our children who are still young. But that is the way it is and best for them.

It is my observation, though, that generally speaking men find it harder to let go after divorce. My son is 19 and is an old fashioned gentleman, treats his lovely girlfriend well, knows he wants a good relationship, marriage and children, puts in effort and expects it back, thinks porn cheapens and interferes in relationships and that online dating is a load of rubbish. So, ladies, have faith in the future generations. As far as now is concerned, in a face of what you quite accurately describe as an attitude of a vast number of leftover pool we meet, I think gotta keep going forward with a firm idea of what we want in a man and a relationship.

Grace is right, belief is vital. How true it came for me. Everything else is trying to control the uncontrollable. Sushi Congratulations on bringing up your son so well. I fear I am not doing so well with mine.

Who knows what my future holds but I remain hopeful that it may include a loving relationship with a man. Call me an idiot but I still feel that is possible.

Dancingqueen I too yearn for meaningful companionship, probably because having had zero functional family, practically from the get go and being in a place where my only friends are folks I work with and cannot really confide in, except for animal herd, I am horribly alone.

I have to travel miles one way to be with a man who is educated, well read, responsible, and takes care of himself. Hard when you teach full time and run a small farm and live where winter driving can be deadly. Your dudes sound like mine with the addition of being unemployed and uneducated. These dudes thenthink we aare evil picky bitches because we reject the even though they hate our values and lifestyle. Thisiswhine about wantiwanting to kill all need for human compcompanionship in myself or just shoot myse in the head and be done with it.

Hon, you sound as bleak as I feel. You are totally out of your element. I wish the best for you and hope that once you retire you will relocate and put into place all the things in your life that you are missing now. The women I know take a hell bent pride in outing players and telling other women about them in the social club and dining club I am in. The flip side is that these players then have a string of women at their beck and call as if it somehow enhances their desirability.

But these women were what would be known as slags opening their legs to any offer. I never believed this man was shy and so it came to pass. No great loss then ladies and the ones who do take up with these men are the ones who have low boundaries that are easily busted.

I will maintain my boundaries rather than accept any desperate, broken man that comes my way and remain happily single without all the drama and shit they bring. Sisters are doing it for themselves and I have had great companionship with other women. Attitudes have changed though and many men are very disparaging about women seeing them as little more than sexual objects especially with on-line dating. There may be a worthwhile man who has lost out on a woman who is honest, caring, giving, reliable, loyal etc.

My head rules my heart so that my BS radar remains fully engaged now. It is very true as Lisa said, we should look at people as individuals and not paint with such broad strokes.

But most everything Mr. Writer says I feel is true also. It seems no matter what or how good it looks initially, they just HAVE TO have some serious unacceptable quality that makes it a deal breaker. Married men who play around, separated, etc. When it ends, you were the worst bitch on the planet.

Not one, not two, but three marriages! My daughter told me that probably as a young man and beyond he never learned how to love a woman in a manner that she could feel satisfied. I think I realize now that his feelings run only so deep.

The ED certainly clouded the picture too because I attributed so much of his behavior to that issue. Yet, at the same time, I always felt that if he loved me as I loved him he would have been willing to make more effort with sharing affection, and not just cut it off altogether. How can you be so cavalier if you really love me? Anyway, now, at my age like Noquay said the only options I have are those men who have been divorced.

We were so right for each other. But I have to learn how to be because I have no choice. My best friend is getting married next year, and another acquaintance who met a guy on line is having a whirlwind of a time in which he takes her on trips all over the world. I deserve the same. And,, for myself, as long as I want a man so much he will remain out of reach. My friends are either with a man and happy or without one and happy.

Supposedly, prayer changes things. You are not going to be alone! Be patient, he will come when you are emotionally ready to accept him. Happiness is transient as is sadness.

What If a Spouse Cheats? Most states define adultery as “sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than their spouse”, however this definition can vary from state to state. In North Carolina for example, adultery is defined as any sexual relations between a man and a woman who are not married and cohabitating together, whether legally married to someone else or not. Oct 14,  · It's AM, I have to get up at 7 for work, and I can't sleep. Why? Because I have a crush on a married coworker. It's been escalating for a few weeks. The last part about cheater’s being so selfish that they can go on hurting their children is disturbing to me. Being a parent, to a great extent, is about the denial of self. Now, people do not have to give up their entire lives for their children and never have a moment to themselves.