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On the Great Filter, existential threats, and griefers Forward to: A couple of weeks ago at the British Eastercon I found myself on a panel discussion about vampires. Hey, I've been trying to get the hell away from being Mr Singularity Guy for years now; what's your problem?

Anyway, there I was sitting with Freda Warrington and Jim Butcher, and our moderator opens up by asking, "what makes vampires sexy? Desmodus rotundis isn't sexy. Except insofar as small furry rodents that carry rabies aren't as un-sexy as some other obligate haemophages.

Bed bugs are really not sexy. But if you want maximally not-sexy, it's hard to top Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi , the Hippo Arse Leech.

The Hippo Arse Leech is a leech; it sucks blood. Like most leeches, its mouth parts aren't really up to drilling through the armour-tough skin of a hippopotamus, so it seeks out an exposed surface with a much more porous barrier separating it from the juicy red stuff: When arse leeches find somewhere to feed, in due course happy fun times ensue—for hermaphrodite values of happy fun times that involve traumatic insemination.

Once pregnant, the leeches allow themselves to be expelled by the hippo it's noteworthy that hippopotami spin their tails when they defecate, to sling the crap as far away as possible —possibly because the leeches itch —we're into self-propelled-hemorrhoids-with-teeth territory here , whereupon in the due fullness of time they find another hippo, force their way through it's arse crack, and find somewhere to chow down.

Oh, did I mention that this delightful critter nurtures its young? Yep, the mother feeds her brood until they're mature enough to find a hippo of their own.

Guess what she feeds them with. Here 's a video by Mark Siddall, professor of invertebrate zoology at the American Natural History Museum, a noted expert on leeches, describing how he discovered P. Jaegerskioeldi , just in case you think I'm making this up. By the end of my description Jim and Freda were both So were the audience. And that's when I got to the money shot: Let's leave aside the whole living dead angle a callback to ancient burial traditions in northern climes, where the decay of corpses might be retarded by cold weather: Let's look solely at the vampire motif in modern fiction, where sexy vampires are used as a metaphor for the forbidden lover.

Do we see anything approximating a realistic portrayal of actual blood-drinking organisms? Blood isn't actually very nutritious, so haemophagous parasites tend to be small, specialized, and horrifyingly adapted: If we expanded a real one to human size it'd be a thing of horror, fit to give Ridley Scott or H.

So here we have a seeming paradox: There's an entire sub-genre in which we are expected to temporarily pretend that the smouldering sexy vampire lover isn't actually a hippo arse leech squirming and eager to dig it's jaws into your rectal mucosa. And now I am shaking my head and wondering, thoughtfully, if I can see any other parasitic life-cycles that are amenable to converting into supernatural fictional tropes? Your first example being, of course, my use of angler fish sex as a model for unicorns If you are a creationist, the onus is on you to come to terms with why your God saw fit to inflict a parasite like this on hippopotami.

Irresistibly reminded of Brian Lumley's Necroscope, where vampires are horrifying shapeshifters created by infection with a leech-like symbiote. Reproduces by stinging a cockroach in the self preservation, towing it to the wasp's burrow, laying an egg on it, then burying it alive. The larva hatches, burrows into the roach and eats it from the inside - apparently in a manner that keeps the cockroach alive as long as possible - then pupates inside it.

Reads new thoughts from Charlie Amazingly sophisticated and incredibly disturbing at the same time. I found this article about an ant species fascinating: Rather than a physical parasites, the social structure of the colony fungal agriculture and all allows a whole separate colony-level parasitism.

Resisting the obvious joke about the upper classes, I guess some well-developed conspiracies would fit this model - though the actual speciation, of living alongside things that thought you were one of them but couldn't interbreed with, is more difficult. There's a Greg Egan short, whose title and details escape me, about a secret society of humans with a different set of genetic bases from the rest of us slowly plotting a disease that will wipe out everyone but them of course, they're immune to the infection.

Did it then convert to a more Christian audience in the s, with the whole forbidden passion trope of sexy tramps leading to damnation? I really don't know. It's never appealed to me that much. Of course, vampire bats are known to be altruistic blood sharers, so they do have that going for them.

Wilson's Journey to the Ants. The social parasites on ants are wonderful tropes, and the parasitic ants are even more so. Heck, there's even a vampire ant from Madagascar, although it's not in the book. You'll have to look that one up separately. There are also hyperparasites, which are parasites on parasites.

The worst case I've heard of there is a fifth-level hyperparasite: Since technically the caterpillar wasn't killing the tropical plant it was found on, you could say six levels of parasitism.

The question of whether the caterpillar lived or died depended on which wasp s hatched first. Though maybe Scifi already lays claim to that, what with the way some Weyland Yutani employees reacted to the titular Alien As for the arse-leech end of the vampire spectrum, a personal favourite is Guillermo del Toro's The Strain.

There's apparantly loads of parasites that modify their hosts behavior so the parasite finds its next host fish flashing their belly so they get eaten by birds the parasite likes, ants that hang around the edges of leaves [citation needed, I know]. So the romantic behavoour analogue would be A romances B to get invited to the kind or party where C hangs around, whom A romances etc.

Which sounds like it was the plot o romcoms. There are plenty of examples of zombification from parasites, my favourite would be the fungus Ophiocordyceps that makes its host seek out somewhere nice and shady before pushing out of your head. Gives a plausible explanation as to why zombie victims are always missing their braaaiinnns.

Not the story you referenced, but it reminded me of the William Gibson and John Shirley short featuring creatures who lived on alcohol and secreted money: Are Vampires parasites on humanity, or instead predators of humanity, though?

They're obligate predators of humanity for the most part although you sometimes see plots involving artificial blood or blood of other animals as substitutes. I did some digging about the sexy vampire thing, and it way predates Stoker. Lord Byron was playing around with it; I've seen evidence I forget where now, as I did this reading some time back that one of the MS that his executors burned after his death was about vampires, which may or may not have included gay sex.

At any rate, he certainly talked about vampires that famous summer. Polidori lifted some of those ideas for his vampire novel, which was popular in early victorian times. You see references to vampires with a weird amalgam of fatal attraction all through the nineteenth century, even in the Brontes. Ah, but Stoker used Dracula as a multi-layered metaphor for syphilis and uncontrolled female sexuality and rape!

It's a dessert topping and a floor wax! I think I'm very relieved both of you are so busy doing your own works, because a McGuire-Stross collaboration would be Check out Cymothoa Exigua. A parasite that enters fish through their gills and replaces their tongue. Well, here is a serious response. I shall omit the evidence to avoid corrupting those of tender years: Observation indicates that the media have a fetish about violent sex, consensual and non-consensual, and I suspect that this is simply another aspect of that though with gluttony replacing violence.

I agree that vampires are not sexy This is a romanticized 'eye on the prize', everyone loves a winner, etc. To shift the image of sexy to not-sexy, portray vampires' addiction leading them to breaking a major cultural taboo Or, equate the vampire seduction stare or first bite with roofies.

After all, it is the same outcome only the nature of the agent has changed. How about viral-bacterial parasites, as in potentially contributing to the spread of MRSA? There's also molecular parasites While looking for more molecular info, this phrase caught my eye Host—parasite molecular cross-talk during the manipulative process of a host by its parasite Authors: Vampires prey on Buxom Screamy Wenches, who in turn tend to parasitise Handsome Adventurous Lads, who in turn leech off their parents, who are Baby-Boomers and parasitising everyone Problem is, it's hard to think of too many new parasites, because there aren't a lot of parasites out there whose practices haven't been copied or mirrored by either a corporation or some type of con artist.

One truly disturbing parasite: Especially the ones that the owners call their children. That's so close to what a bunch of socially parasitic species do to ants that it's not funny.

The sickening thing is that humans deliberately bred these dogs to act as parasitic versions of human babies. Not only are they useless, not only are they nutritional parasites, taking our own food, not only do they prevent their owners from breeding by taking the place of real offspring--we created them and we sell them at a huge profit.

And yes, cats fill the social parasite niche too. I wonder how many other species actively participated in creating their own parasites?

This is one reason I've serious qualms about calling animals "our children" and giving them human-like rights. But what's a sexy, anthropomorphic version? Mountaineers who die on Everest? Unfortunately, X-Files got there in A few years ago, I had complications from surgery that made me swallow a lot of blood for several days.

One of the first things I thought of was who the hell thinks drinking blood is cool or sexy?

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